Category: Australia

With the latest disastrous poll results, in ruthless, churlish desperation, the rodent chucks a dirty wobbly at Kevvie and his missus, which they fortuitously duck. Has the rodent prematurely shot his load, or are there other greeblies awaiting?

Peter Dutton feebly attempts to compound the mudball, bleating that

Kevin Rudd should apologise for remarks about women not being mere appendages of their husbands …

How dare Kevvie suggest that women aren’t just appendages of their husbands.

Naturally, as evidenced by Costello’s continued emphasis on increasing the population and rewarding Asstralia’s breeding stock, the Rat Pack needs more women to stay at home to do their national duty to breed more work slaves for the elite rather than succeeding in their own right in the still male-dominated world of business.

Is it something about their name that gives these Costello fellows a predisposition toward dangerous money moves? With our snide bridesmaid treasurer, it was losses from dodgy currency deals and the sale of Asstralian gold reserves right before the resource boom. The value of our gold pile would be triple by now if he hadn’t frittered it away to fund his beleaguered party’s electoral bribes and advertising amongst other reckless extravagances.

Now his namesake appears to be a stubby short of a sixpack as well when it comes to protecting Asstralians’ financial future.

“Federal Labor says the American financial institution hired by the Future Fund is linked to the Enron pension fund collapse in the US.

Earlier this month the Chicago-based Northern Trust Corporation won a competitive tender process bidding alongside Australian banks to manage the Future Fund’s banking requirements.

The decision has caused concern among the Federal Government backbench and unions.

Labor Senator Nick Sherry has told a Senate Committee that Northern Trust was the Enron superannuation fund’s trustee and was alleged to have breached a duty of care.

The Enron collapse cost employees more than $1 billion.

Senator Sherry says the Future Fund managers should further investigate the company’s credentials.

“I’m just surprised … that the fact that Northern Trust had to settle to the tune of $37.5 million didn’t leave you to further question what the behaviour – alleged or otherwise – of Northern Trust was in respect to the Enron Pension Fund collapse,” he said to the general manager of the Future Fund agency, Paul Costello.

Mr Costello says he has no concerns about Northern Trust.

“They were caught at a difficult time responding to an instruction from the sponsor of the plan and to prepare a book of records for transfer,” he said.

“The timing was unfortunate so we were not concerned that this represented a risk to us in the terms of the arrangements we were seeking to put in place with Northern Trust.”

The current balance in the Fund is $51 billion but that figure is projected to rise to $140 billion by 2020.

The Fund was established last year for the sole purpose of meeting the cost of public sector superannuation liabilities.”

What is the rodent doing shipping control of Australians’ money and futures out of the country in the first place? What guarantee can this septic bank give that the money will be used to fund Australian development via Australian companies and not line the pockets of septic banks and their parasites?

In a deceptively milquetoast budget reply speech, Kevvie cut the ground out from under any possible rodential pre-election spending spree with a ‘fiscally responsible, conservative’ demeanour. Declaring that there would be no new tax increases as a percentage of GDP, Rudd kept his iniatives to five main points, ostensibly to avoid predictable attacks of ‘where will the bucks come from to pay for them’ during the forthcoming election campaign and to focus the electorate on a short list of core promises.

Without firing broadsides at Howard’s beneficent budget bribes, Rudd correctly linked future productivity growth and low interest rates beyond the masking effects of the mining boom with education, “a core value of Labor for more than a century”, beginning with early childhood where Australia is ranked 32nd in investment in OECD countries. Productivity growth is ominously predicted by the government to be only 1.1% though the current decade.

“We are blessed,” said Uncle Kevvie. “The time to fix the roof is when the sun is still shining.” Though painfully cliched, his metaphorical allusion may resound well in the blue collar mortage belt, much of which may not feel so blessed by the fruits of the resource boom. With Rudd stating categorically that there is “no difference in a trade certificate and a university degree”, we are all tradespeople now.

Labor’s projected funding of trades training in secondary schools is a canny, appealing policy both for business, which is crying out for more skilled tradesmen, and Australian workers, many of whose kids aren’t bright enough to make it to uni, which is where Howard’s education policies are primarily directed. Howard proposed funding only 3 new tech colleges across Australia – a demonstrably weak response to industry requirements. The unstated subtext is that business has been importing foreign skilled workers to the detriment of our own youth. Further, an ALP federal government will have the ability to coordinate the implementation of its trades and Asian language initiatives with the all-Labor State governments.

Noting that currently there are 540,000 young people not in full time learning or work, Rudd announced further education initiatives including $84m over 4 years for on the job training for 20 weeks a year for year 9 – 12 students, improving school retention rates to year 12 from the present 75% to 85% in 2015 and 95% by 2020, thus earning Australia’s economy an extra estimated $9b at the 90% mark, and a uniform national curriculum for english, history, maths and science to facilitate mobility across the states.

Addressing industry directly, Rudd indicated Labor would maintain the absolute independence of the reserve bank and streamline regulatory arrangements – “no new regulation unless an existing an regulation is withdrawn.” Furthermore, business would have the right to charge Commonwealth departments on late payments, use an optional national superannuation clearinghouse, and for the finance industry, a simple standard disclosure form for financial service products. To attract investment from the Asian funds management industry (already swanning it with the removal of CGT on foreign share investments), Uncle Kevvie promised to halve withholding tax.

After skimming over the continued need for national security via vigilance, Rudd next reiterated the contentious yet much needed ALP broadband initiative for a $4.7b investment in partnership with private business for a state of the art fibre to the node 12mb/sec network – no surprises there.

Rudd’s fourth major point was climate change. Linking the economic cost to Australia with a failure to act now, he repeated Labor’s intention to ratify the Kyoto Protocol, reducing greenhouse gases by 60%, establishing a clean coal fund (CXY could benefit here), low interest loans for home solutions and boosting the use of renewables.

Water security would be addressed with low interest loans for homeowner solutions and improving water security for local communities. Noting that “30% of water is lost from leaks and burst water mains”, Rudd envisaged a National fund for fixing leaks across Australia to match local government contributions.

“That’s why we’ve committed to funding the Goldfields Superpipe for Bendigo and Ballarat, the Geelong Shell Refinery water recycling project and other major urban water projects.”

Lastly, Rudd presaged changes to the disastrous Howard Workslavery laws which are widely perceived to have gone too far – for Rudd “the fair go has a future”, there must be a “balance between fairness and flexibility”, and Australians must be “united not divided”.

All in all, a bland, unthreatening presentation, and one in which the rodent will be scrabbling to gain a claw hold for his wedgies.

Shamelessly purloined from Sir Henry Casingbrooke, this joke is too funny not to conserve beyond the fringe.

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says Saint Peter, “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,” says the PM.

“I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.”

“But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” replies Howard.

“I’m sorry … but we have our rules,” Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down … all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.

Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries who had helped him out over the years —Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, Billy Snedden, etc. And everyone is laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of ’suckers and peasants.’ They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a single malt, “Have a drink John and relax!”

Seeing his hesitancy, the Devil reassures Howard.

“This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!”

Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly cove who tells amusing anecdotes like and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it’s time to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps into the lift and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven,” the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other’s company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn’t see anybody he knows and he isn’t even treated like someone special.

“Whoa,” he says uncomfortably to himself. “Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!”

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, “Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity.”

With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute . then answers: “Well, I would never have thought I’d say this — I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all — but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.”

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift again and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with tar.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers a shocked Howard, “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank single malt whisky. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!”

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, “Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!”