Australian Broadcasting Corporation
KERRY O’BRIEN: And now, John Clarke and Bryan Dawe with their own version of ‘Mastermind’.
(JOHN CLARKE AS JOHN HOWARD, BRYAN DAWE AS INTERVIEWER) INTERVIEWER: Your special subject is John Howard.
Your time starts now.
What will John Howard never bring in ever?
JOHN HOWARD: A GST.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
When did John Howard bring in a GST?
JOHN HOWARD: 1st July, 2000.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
What are weapons of mass destruction?
JOHN HOWARD: Hang on, is that George calling?
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
If you know people want a republic, how do you get them to vote against it?
JOHN HOWARD: You ask them to vote for a republic where they don’t get to vote for the president.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
What is the Kyoto agreement?
JOHN HOWARD: Something to do with coal pricing.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
What is the environment?
JOHN HOWARD: Pass.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
What were being thrown overboard into the sea just before the last election?
JOHN HOWARD: Nothing.
INTERVIEWER: I beg your pardon, I’m sorry, I misread that question.
What did John Howard say were being thrown overboard into the sea just before the election?
JOHN HOWARD: The children of asylum seekers.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
And what did he do to prove it?
JOHN HOWARD: Showed film of it not happening.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
And who told him the children were being thrown into the sea?
JOHN HOWARD: The Defence Minister said he had been told that by the Navy.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
And what did the Minister for Defence do when the Navy denied that?
JOHN HOWARD: He resigned and got a job selling defence contracts to the Australian Government.
INTERVIEWER: And was there a conflict of interest involved?
JOHN HOWARD: No, it was Peter Reith.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
What about some of the other people in the Howard ministry when they retired?
Where have they retired to?
JOHN HOWARD: They’ve got jobs with companies dealing in the area where they used to be the minister.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
And would this have been worked out beforehand?
JOHN HOWARD: Shut your face.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
What does the expression ‘integrity’ mean?
JOHN HOWARD: I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
If you made a promise and don’t keep it, what is it?
JOHN HOWARD: A non-core promise.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
Who can get married in Australia?
JOHN HOWARD: Marriage is between men and women.
INTERVIEWER: What if they don’t like each other?
JOHN HOWARD: It doesn’t matter if they hate each other’s guts, as long as one of them is a man and one of them is a woman.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
Why don’t we have to listen to senior members of the Defence community criticise the Government on defence?
JOHN HOWARD: Because they’re too old.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
Why don’t we have to listen to ex-public servants criticising the Government’s use of research information?
JOHN HOWARD: Well, they’re the scum of the earth, aren’t they, public servants?
INTERVIEWER: Can you be more specific?
JOHN HOWARD: Get stuffed.
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
And at the end of the round, your house is worth three times what you paid for it.
JOHN HOWARD: My house is worth three times what I paid for it!
INTERVIEWER: Congratulations!
JOHN HOWARD: Thanks.
Oh, fantastic!
INTERVIEWER: Low interests rates — you’re worth a bloody fortune.
JOHN HOWARD: Jeez, he’s great, that John Howard, isn’t he?
INTERVIEWER: Correct.
KERRY O’BRIEN: ‘Mastermind’ a la John Clarke and Bryan Dawe.